Beyond The Dimension Of Self To The No-Self State, Now

Diary Entries
A true insight occurs in a moment, a split second, and it brings a subtle shift in your perspective. The 'experience' which surrounds the insight is generally entirely superfluous and is merely the Self or mindbody package attempting to own and understand the insight.

This is an account of the experiences which were involved in the dissolution of the Self as it occurred for Julie Sarah Powell. They are in no particular way a blueprint of what will occur for you. If you have bought the 'How To' E-Book you will be able to transcend most of the hardship which is explained here.

Julie didn't have any reference for these experiences and that brought levels of misunderstanding which only became understood through the day to day living of the no-self state and also with retrospect. These experiences are shared so that you will have a reference and this, along with the 'How To' E-Book, will make the journey that much easier for you.

---   Last updated - Tues 8th April '08
	
30th Oct ’07

There began a vibrating through my being which felt that its touch would simply shatter all aspects of it. The physical was unmistakable with an internal ‘tremor’ from toe to crown. Chills coursing up and down the spine and a burning heat pulsing up after it. Heart beating wildly in the chest. The ground beneath the chair felt that it had turned to jelly and an earthquake was jerking it about, but the jelly made the jerking more of a wobble back and forth, as if sitting on a Swiss ball on the deck of a ship bobbing on the ocean. Nauseating. Deeply shaken. At any moment the chair could flip forward and I would fall into nothing. The far reaching reverberations on the sense of spirituality were to a depth which I cannot explain. It felt that a shard of glass had been shoved through everything and had touched to the very core. The possibility of shattering was on the brink. There was a heavy pressure at the centre of the top of the head, as if a stake had been driven in and was burning there.

(This last sensation of the stake occurred again a couple of weeks later and lasted a week or more. The vibrating ‘tremor’ became a ‘normal’ part of life, with the jelly floor and earthquake motion kicking in on the more intense occasions and all three (tremor/quake/jelly floor) fluctuating in intensity and getting more pronounce during intense sittings. The nausea and a woozy light-headedness also come and go fairly regularly.)

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20th Nov ‘07

I am reminded of times as a child when for no apparent external reason my heart felt broken, trampled and empty. On these occasions I would secretly pray to God for help. (It had to be secretly because someone I loved and respected had told me when I was very young that there was no God and that I was stupid for being so gullible.) This happened many times, feeling lost, alone and empty as if a yawning hole had opened up inside, revealing my true nature and my immature mindbody couldn’t help but overflow into despair.

During today’s sitting there was another very vivid experience which has happened many times in my life.  Often it has occurred when I am trying to get to sleep and the feeling of the body would start ballooning out until it felt 10 feet tall and just as wide, but still with the form in proportion. Like a giant dough boy. Accompanying this was a taste, sharply metallic is the only way I can describe it. I knew this taste and feeling very deeply. I would often try to place it and bring it into memory, but I never could.

This instep of the mind trying to place the experience inevitably dissolved it and again it was gone, leaving behind only the bewilderment of an answer being on the tip of my tongue. Over time I learned not to go looking for the memory, but to just let it be. This was an important learning which allows any experiences to come and go without attempting to manipulate or direct them in any way.

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22nd Nov ‘07

I felt a bucket of dread pour over the head and run slowly down the spine where the mind wanted to hang onto it and create a performance with it. This was clearly seen and was ignored through pin pointed practice. Although the dread or “fear of death” came up on many occasions, through this process it naturally was deeply faced and accepted into the being.

It was this afternoon that I realized something which would change everything (for more details see 'How To' E-book).

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24th Nov ‘07

It is amazing how life brings together many occurrences at just the right time in order to push the limits and therefore go beyond the normal ‘seeing’.

Just such a ‘coming together’ took place for me today. Again the details are not important; suffice it to say there was an overload on the circuit board.

I had come to a place in my practice where I felt ‘found’. I knew what to ‘do’ and I did it. Sure, not as much as I felt I should, but would it ever be enough? Life was comfortable, but there had also been the feeling of an under the surface agitation bubbling around for some time. I can’t put my finger on it, but stirred up on all levels. The blood quietly boiling away in the background.

In the Oneness / Awakened state the insights and experience of all arising in and as the Divine, and the Divine being everywhere and everything (beyond consciousness, the Self, and the mindbody package) has been obvious. This has been consistently tested by life and the obviousness, and the freedom which this brings, fluctuated accordingly.

Despite the freedom of the Oneness state I was aware that the mind was still going, I was still buying into it and really when I felt into it I was still suffering in a way that I thought would have finished many years before. There felt to be lots of changes but essentially I was still the same mess that I had always been, albeit with a more mature stance and view of things.

So after a particularly awful driving lesson, I arrived home and on the back doorstep the barriers broke and the practice which I had been doing for so long fell away. I gave in to the horror of the fact that none of it had truly worked as I had hoped and I was an empty liar. A sense of all of the ribbons which I hadn’t realised I had been holding tightly, and which held life together as I knew it, fell away and I was left with nothing. The tears flowed and seemed that they would never stop. 

At first the mind was drawn to a sense of panic. Looking for excuses and reasons - energetic, medical and otherwise - which could explain away what was happening. To give some ground to stand on.

Even with the deeper knowing that it was unexplainable, this reasoning is what had been done forever. I had been feeling bashed down and undermined at a deep level, as if whatever I did wasn’t enough, like I was always being told off and sent back to the beginning. Obviously, this feeling was mind made and had been given a storyline which I also knew was only to help me feel valid in some way. When spoken aloud to Elysha, after he found me in a heap on the doorstep, it was known that it was for the last time.
 
As the possible reasons where given voice they were seen to be totally wrong and with this seeing the mind, manifestation and everything in it was again clearly seen to be entirely separate from the real beauty of this One that I am. It was also seen that the Self was an impermanent manifestation which was absolutely not required. These had been seen before on many occasions, but not to this depth of clarity. The panic abated at this time, as the separation from the mind left the space to settle. The experience was stand alone and unable to be touched on any level, not being done or able to be manipulated, only happening and that was it. This movement of trying to find out ‘why’ then fell away, there was no need left. With that Elysha and I got ready and went down to the Ashram.

When we arrived at the Ashram I apologised to everyone for being late, saying that I had had a breakdown and that Elysha had been sorting me out. Sam was kind enough to enquire into my health and I was almost surprised to find that I felt calm and sane again, although very different. As if a burden of trying to get, gain and be had been lifted. Everything felt much lighter and relieved on all levels.

During the sitting, when the eyes closed the body relaxed and seemed to turn to warm liquid with all vestiges of the worries and anxiety of earlier oozing away and falling into a deep state of peace. After some while it felt as if I was looking into the abyss of nothingness. I felt the surrender and the possibility of dying was a natural next step. Give all of it up and drown in the Oneness of God. I knew that was all I had ever wanted. It was at that stage that all the build-up of the mindbody package that I knew to be “me/myself/I” seemed to slip off and was moved to the side, sort of floating to the left. Then the eyes opened and it was as if nothing had changed, yet with the feeling that everything had transformed irreversibly. Utterly unable to place what had actually happened, and with no desire to place it.

---
At first the deep sense of peace and beauty carried on, but later that day the body was left exhausted and for the next few weeks the body awoke every morning in a state of exhaustion, as if there was no internal energy to do anything and no-one there to care. It felt that there was a heavy weight pushing down, making every move a chore which needed to be gone through. As if a thousand hands were grasping at the cellular structure and squeezing. I started to take a handful of vitamins and herbal supplements to attempt to alleviate the stress on the body. Plenty of deep breathing seemed necessary, as if this would stop the body from falling down and disappearing into nothingness. It was felt that one day the breathing and trembling will stop and everything will disappear with it. For now though the breathing appears to help to get through the harder physical aspects and seems to bring more physical stamina and step by step life goes on.

When the exhaustion of the body got too much over the ensuing weeks and it was mentioned to others, it was received with surprise that anything had been occurring at all. On the surface it appears that nothing was noticeable. This initially struck me as amazing, as I had been arriving at the Ashram for each session with the energy reserves so depleted that as soon as the bum hits the seat tears of relief spring to the eyes. Not touched emotionally, it just appeared to be a physical reaction. Even sitting in the chair sometimes was too much to bear and the body screams to lie down. Thank God for the freedom and simplicity of life at the Ashram. A true blessing.

The day to day chores and mechanical flow of life all continued as before, but with no energy going into them. Pushing through in some moments and melting into the abyss in others, no choice in any of it. During sittings it was felt that the body and all of existence was melting and would never return again. When the end of the session came and the responsibilities of life started up again the moves would occur and life would go on as usual.

Internally, however, was a whole new paradigm. The perspective had shifted to a whole new sense. The mind was still functioning, but restricted to a strictly practical level. Not a constant burble and with no energy to touch this place. Like a waterfall in slow motion, which defies gravity and seems to float quietly past making no ripple within itself and touching nothing. Only spontaneously emerging when needed and then fading away again.

There are no feelings of bliss or joy or any describable feelings at all really, only a sense of forever, filling this moment. Not as a time, forever, or a motion outward to some place, forever, but the eternal now moment as it is. Simple. Like floating in a small room which has many doors and they are all locked shut. Almost sterile. Untouchable. 

---
Sat 29th Dec ‘07

Over the past few days I have mentioned some changes to Elysha and the family at the Ashram. It is so very difficult to describe, such simplicity is stand alone, and there is also no urge to bother describing. It was only when asked a direct question from Elysha that the attempt was made. All that can be said at this stage is this:-

There is the feeling of being finished. The end. The attention is held right here, in the body, in the moment, with no-one and no-thing. The depth of feeling and connection at the eyes when open and closed is no longer here. There is no internal centre. There is no feeling at all other than the senses operating. It is as if all of the doors to the mind have been shut. Nothing scary, nothing monstrous, just nothing here.

It reminds me of math problems. All my life when a math problem comes up, it is as if the mind doesn’t know how to cope with it somehow and therefore it is just left empty, stuck, blankly staring like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As a child this made me feel as though I was stupid, but as I grew up I came to accept it and was more than happy to leave others to figure things out. Occasionally, when the need was really there I was able to push beyond the blank and make the effort to ‘figure out’ the problem, but that ability is not available here. Now there is no need for a math problem, the mind cannot reflect on anything and everything which is is blank.

On the day to day level everything has become as normal. Much more simple. Natural. If something is required from the mind it is here, no-one to go looking and no-one who cares if nothing comes at all. 

---
Sun 30th Dec ’07

Straight away after sitting down at the Ashram this morning there was an intense feeling which started to shine from halfway between the heart and the solar plexus. Elysha was talking about the mindbody package, and suddenly it struck. That was it. The penny dropped with a clunk. That is what had been missing from the picture over the past weeks. The mindbody package was gone. The Self was gone. There were no internal arisings, no emotions, and no feelings of the package of who I thought I was, which felt like it was just the tip of the iceberg with loads more under the surface. Nothing.

With this revelation the feeling in my chest lit up like a fire and felt as though it was burning and shining like a great beacon of joy. I saw that the Self is dead, in a clear momentary flash. A huge smile suddenly burst out. Joy was breaking through and there was no containing it. 

---
Tues 1st Jan ‘08

The main things which I have been noticing are the things which have fallen away. It is almost shocking to see that there are no reactive ‘buttons’. This covers so much more than I could have possibly imagined. It means that whatever circumstances occur in life nothing can cause an internal waver or reaction of any kind. This goes for all aspects, both negative and positive. There are no upsetting/emotional or satisfaction/gratification reactions from any circumstances.

There is no-one here to look a certain way, come across a certain way or make any impression whatsoever. There is no-one here at all.

---
Wed 2nd Jan ‘08

With the falling away of the complexities of life over the past 4 years, through practice and many brick walls, life has become its own routine. Not dull and tedious, but still with a definite schedule in order to get everything done. The creating of more and more jobs to be done is no longer the case and in its place a simplicity and minimalist attitude has brought with it quite a structured routine. Within this routine all responsibilities are cared for thoroughly and simply and the space is then available for more sitting.

This routine has been the savings grace over these past weeks (now known to have been the process of the dissolution of Self or no-self). It has meant that life can go on without thought, as the routine has become somewhat automatic. Therefore nothing has essentially changed from the outward day to day side of things, although it is now down to the bare minimum. The garden is left to grow, the house is cleaned once a week, and lunch is eating crackers and cheese more and more out of sheer disinterest in food. Food is still being forced down as much as possible, in order to not fall into bad habits and to keep the physical energy levels from plummeting even further. Without the input of the mind adding memory and feeling to things, like food, disinterest is bound to follow. It is amazing how seeing things as they truly are brings everything to the same level of insignificance. The routine has also meant that there was no chance of forgetting anything, like feeding the cat for instance. Looking in retrospect, without this routine, forgetting to ‘bother’ would have been very easy. Nothing seems to matter; it is all empty and meaningless. Silence is the only respite, and is gratefully here at all times. 

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Fri 4th Jan ‘08

The body is filled with what has now become the usual quiet joy/peace/love/space/isness, which is the base of everything. It is as if every cell of the body is in complete harmony and each cell seems to be emanating gratitude, although it is just the naturally functioning senses and nothing more. This is very difficult to describe to others because the mind immediately turns it into something else. It simply means seeing, feeling, tasting, touching, hearing everything as it is in this moment without the veil of the mind creating something over the top. Simple. This is all that is left when the mindbody package is gone. There are no internal arisings, no knower, no being, and no experience, no-one left. The mind without a feeling centre is left powerless so remains quiet although still there, separate and unable to touch this. A whole new dimension, although everything appears the same.

It has been quite a relief to see that the physical is starting to strengthen. This new beginning seems to be settling in beautifully and quite quickly. Definitely still with strange moments, but easier every day.

Time has warped, with so much daily change. Has it only been a couple of months?

---
The seeings and insights, over the years in the Oneness state, have brought levels of maturity, balance and a depth to the experience of life which is entirely clouded and therefore overlooked in the egoic state. Because these insights and seeings have been transitory experiences they cannot be the truth in themselves. Becoming aware of the still, unchanging, ageless centre which is throughout and underneath all experience is the base and importance of every insight.

All of these experiences shared here can be tossed in the rubbish. Any experience is not the nothing which is your true nature.

In essence all experiences can only be an unconscious projection from the Self or mindbody package, of the Divine. Not the Divine itself, simply triggered by touching on the Divine.

That which is through all experience cannot be affected by anything. It is only that, which is left when experience is gone. 

Now there is no experiencer, nor any experience to be experienced.

Freedom itself.

---
Fri 21st March '08

Nothing, literally means nothing.

To be free of the Self should not be underestimated.

Time has been shown to be necessary for the physical and physiological changes to settle into the system. There are still moments when it feels like a personification of 'The Scream' painting by Edvard Munch, but this is always a physical reaction to being around selfish behaviour. In most moments though the beauty of the flow of life is seen. Both are the same. In reality there is no difference between these two seemingly opposite reflections of life and that sameness is the beauty of seeing things as they are, not getting lost in the appearance of life.

There is still no experience arising internally so that has become the normal everyday status and is not noticed anymore. This is a blessed relief from the former turmoil which would come in cycles and throw the system from one extreme (frustration) to the other (bliss). These cycles had gotten less extreme and more subtle over the years in the Oneness/Awakened state, which brought more balance, but it was felt nonetheless. 

When relaxed and the eyes close, while sitting at the Ashram, the world dissolves and it leaves the body with the head lolling about as if it is asleep. There is no-one there to hold the head up and no-one there to care. These sittings are very still and very peaceful.

Life all through has become a consistent karma yoga session. There is no-one who requires thanks for the service and there is no-one who is getting the benefit of going against the usual selfish, self-serving, immature, self-gratifying, agenda ridden movement of the Self or mindbody package. It is just service because there is no other. It could be seen as the most selfish act of all, because it is known that there is only this One. But in actuality there is no self or sense of the person, therefore only others are considered.

If only we could all learn to live as this One, the planet would be a true delight. In time the Ashram will be a place where service alone is lived. The sooner the better. Instead of building the Self up, we will be tearing it down by simply getting out of the way and choosing the love of the Heart.

Initially, the 'How To' E-Book wrote itself and this seemed to be a wonderful service, both to those who could buy it and change their lives and to those at the Ashram where the money is being donated. Unfortunately, the planet is so glutted with spiritual E-Books and websites that this opportunity for service has gotten lost amidst all of the rest and now another direction appears to be necessary.

The Ashram community is the obvious place of service and a move of premises where we will all live together is in the pipeline. Life will show itself in its own good time. In the meantime there are no immediate opportunities showing themselves, so one foot is put in front of the other, moment by moment.

The actions of others are now seen in complete clarity. The surface projections are seen and also a simultaneous underlying motion is seen. These actions and underlying motions are generally in direct contrast to each other. One thing is said and an entire other action is done. This is where the article "All Humans Are Addicts" came from.

It is as if there is a ghost which is sitting over the top of each person and running the show, influencing and directing all actions and decisions. All the while the person underneath just dumbly goes along with it, until death do us part.

It is only when the person steps out of that dimension (of Self) that they are clear of that ghosting effect. This brings relief to all.

With all that is now seen of peoples pain and self perpetuated misery it is a true blessing that the feeling-Self has fallen away along with all of the other aspects of Self. Knowing how utterly unnecessary it all is makes it both easier and harder to watch.

---
Tues 8th April '08

There is only peace. All else is a lie.
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Elysha | Testimonials | Disclaimer | Sitemap
